The Summarized Version of 'Sorcerer's Stone'
by The Reviewer
Summary: Who's got time to read all that weighty description and character development. Here, for you the poeple, we get straight to the point. (Chapters 1-11)
1. Chapters 1 6

_AN_: _You know I never realized that the word "Sorcerer's" is one of those rare ones with the double 'er', very strange. Anyway what is this you ask? This is what happens when my mind is on over drive. I have summarized the first book. I didn't exactly think of this idea on my own, I saw it done in another fandom (same style I mean) but much, much shorter than mine. Someone may have already done this before (probably have) but if they have than I've never seen it. _

**_Please bear in mind that this is highly opinionated piece. It was not written to insult anyone._**

_Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me and while I might poke fun at the plot and other aspects of the story I still love it to bits._

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

Chapter 1: The Boy Who Lived

Mr. D: I go to work, strange shit happens all day long.

Mrs. D: Harry is a nasty name. I hate my sister with a frightening passion.

Dumbledore: Lily and James are dead. I'm now going to willingly give up their only son and the new Terminator to his horrible relatives and hope he survives long enough to be able to come to Hogwarts. There I shall continue to abandon him throughout his years there as I'm doing this night in a weird act of symbolism.

Hagrid: boo hoo.

Harry: I am the Baby-Who-Lived! Go me!

Chapter 2: The Vanishing Glass

Harry: Life is unfair. My relatives treat me like the dirt beneath their feet. The kids at school hate me. No one loves me at home and according to fics I get beat within an inch of my life on a regular basis.

Dudley: I'm a fat, stupid brat who hates my cousin as well as a walking example of why fast food industries are a perfect representation of everything that is wrong with the world.

Harry: Bacon?

Dudley: It's my B-Day! 

Mrs and Mr. D: We're whipped by our son and proud of it!

Snake: Brazil is cool.

Harry: I just let out a dangerous cobra. I must never use this power for evil.

Chapter 3: The Letters From No One

Harry: (sing song voice) I got a letter!

Mr. D: I'm not going to let you have it.

Mrs. D: I've got a secret.

Dudley: Life's not fair! 

Harry: It's my B-day, not that it's much fun.

Dudley: This shack leaks.

(Someone knocks on door)

All: Uh oh.

Chapter 4: The Keeper of The Keys

Hagrid: You're a wizard Harry.

Harry: No I'm not.

Hagrid: Yes you are.

Harry: No I'm not.

Hagrid: You're a famous wizard because some pycho killed your parents but you survived and ended up killing him even though you were only a baby. Actually let me amend that: I think he just disappeared that night and no one knows where he is. He's probably still out there somewhere biding his time and pretty pissed off so I'd watch out if I were you.

Mrs. D: Yes he is.

Hagrid: We're past that.

Harry: You didn't tell me.

Mrs. D: No, because I'm an embittered woman who got the short end of the stick in life. I don't have magical powers and look at my family. Mommy and Daddy always loved my sister best and then to add insult to injury I get stuck with you her son…Freak!

Hagrid: Now you get to learn magic at a school for the gifted, no pun intended.

Mr. D: Over my broken, bleeding body. Dumbledore's a fruit.

Hagrid: Die!

Dudley: Oink.

Chapter 5: Diagon Alley

Harry: Wow I'm famous. Very creepy. I also get to meet a future professor, wonder if he'll be important since he's the first one I meet and we're not at Hogwarts. Oh well.

Hagrid: Welcome to Diagon Alley.

Harry: Very cool.

Goblin: Can I help you?

Hagrid: Show me the money!

Harry: whee! Gringotts fun! 

Hagrid: Watch carefully Harry because this is a major plot point. Now I trust you because you are the son of my dear, dead friends. I haven't seen you in 10 years but I'm sure you came out alright seeing as you had excellent role models growing up and there's no way you could ever be dishonorable. Anyway now I'm pulling out a little paper sack, remember it's top secret, I'm putting it in my pocket and I'm taking it to Dumbledore. Remember it's hush-hush.

Harry: Weird. I wonder what's in the bag…look at all my money! I'm rich! Life is good!

Draco: I'm a snob and I like quidditch. I also hope to be in Slytherin. I'm the only student you meet outside of the school setting so therefore I'll probably play an important role. 

Harry: You remind me of Dudley. I don't like you much.

Ollivander: Oooh….groovy scar there kid. Pay attention as I talk because there's a lot of wisdom in my words.

Harry: You're kinda creepy you know that? Ok waving the wand now…wow it worked.

Ollivander: **_VERY IMPORTANT PLOT POINT!!!!!_ You have the brother wand to the Big Bad V's.**

Harry: *Gulp* Stay away from me.

Hadwig: Oh boy. Here we go. I'm your present. Feeling special now.

Harry: Thanks! Excuse me while I have a much deserved mental breakdown.

Hagrid: You'll be fine! *Pop*

Chapter 6: The Journey From Platform Nine and Three-Quarters 

Harry: Can I have a ride?

Mr. D: Yes

Harry: Going to be late. Can't find the platform anywhere, whoever heard of 93/4 anyway? Look they have an owl, better ask them.

Mrs. W: What a nice young boy. I hope you're keeping track of the people you meet outside of Hogwarts. This here is Ron and amazingly he's starting this year too! I wonder if you'll become best friends? Now run through the barrier.

Harry: I did it.

Fred + George: That kid was Harry Potter!

Mrs. W: You leave him alone and be good.

Ron: Your Harry Potter! Very neat! I come from an incredibly large and underprivileged family. I'll be your best friend for your years at Hogwarts (though we'll have a nice little tiff in forth year where I'll loose some points from some of the readers over the little fit I'm going to take.) Anyway I'm in awe of you at the moment and really nervous about Hogwarts. I'm also slightly bitter and cynical about life because of how far down the line I am. I wish to be famous and have Pepsi want to use me in one of their commercials with what's her face? 

Harry: Wow someone talks to me. A childhood full neglect flashes before my eyes. Hey card with Dumbledore on it. Must give writer points for so cleverly hiding an important plot point.

Hermione: Hey guess what I'm the last important person you're going to meet. Cool how we all come in order like that huh? I'm also one of the most stable people in this book. Seen a toad anywhere?

Draco: Me again. Now we see pretty much the full extent of my personality in one scene (or at least what I will continue to show as far as our fourth year). I'm offering you friendship because I actually possess a rather open personality however I do it with a sneer on my face because, let's face it, I'm afraid of rejection. I also want to be famous and admired. If the fic writers don't hate me then I'm normally a tortured soul with some serious issues ranging from being a twisted little Deatheater to my Father having the hot's for me. So what do you say?

Harry: No.

Draco: You suck.

Hagrid: All aboard! 

_AN: I have no idea if I'll ever finish. I might also look at it tomorrow, wonder what I was on and take it down. _


	2. Chaper 7 11

**AN**:_ Man this is stupid but oh well._

Chapter seven: The Sorting Hat

Prof McGonagall:  Welcome to Hogwarts, in a few moments we will label you in front of other victims of the same mindless procedure. Be sure to look your best. 

Students: Ghosts! 

Ghosts: Hope to see you in our old houses because we all know how far it got us.

Sorting Hat: Ok everyone listen up, I'm going to tell you what the houses are and what stereotypes reside in said houses. First there's the star of our show, Gryffindor, they're brave but on average see everything in black and white. Next there's Hufflepuff who are rather stupid but very patient (good combo no?). After that there's a small rhyme about the Ravenclaws were the nerds survive. They are generally ignored. And last but not least the Slytherins. All the evil children go there (I delicately word it but basically it's the house for all the Ted Bundy's and Hannibal's of the world.) If sent to this house here's a piece of advice: sleep with one eye open and read the book 'How to Escape From Prison'. So let's get started! Who's first?

Harry: *Gulp*

Sorting Hat: Go to Slytherin Harry, you know you want to.

Harry: No! Make me!

Sorting Hat: You don't have a choice.

Harry: I'm Harry Potter, apparently I do.

Sorting Hat: Damn.

Gryffindors: We get Harry Potter! We're special!

Dumbledore: I'm so responsible. Stay out of the third floor corridor and Forbidden Forest unless you want to die. 

Nearly Headless Nick: I'm your role model. I was so brave that someone almost cut off my head, see? This of course goes right over your heads.

Harry: Food is good. Ouch! Damn it! Pain in scare when I looked at the menacing teacher in black, I wonder if he's evil?

Chapter Eight: The Potions Master

Harry: *Nervous* People are staring at me…

Ron: The jealousy begins. 

Peeves: Got your conk!

Filch: *Growl* (Personally I would be really suspicious of anyone who named their cat, who accompanies them everywhere, Mrs. anything.)

Prof Snape: I loath you. You are the bane of my existence. I'm immature and yet skilled at the same time. I also have some deep seeded issues that do not truly start to show until the third chronicle of your _fascinating_ "life". Authors can't seem to decided if they hate me or love, they range from having me run around with a pink teddy bear to taking on a hundred Death Eaters with my bare hands (I prefer the latter.) 5 points off Gryffindor!

Hagrid: I'm hiding something.

Harry: Hey a strategically placed newspaper. Gringots was robbed the day we were there and the vault Hagrid emptied was the target. I'm getting that funny feeling again.

Chapter Nine: The Midnight Duel

Harry: I hate Draco Malfoy…

Readers: Yes we know.

Harry: …and now I must fly with him.

Neville: I got Remembrall (say that five times fast) please notice my forgetfulness.

Draco: Not anymore.

Harry: Time to show I'm an upstanding kinda guy.

Draco: Up, up and away.

Harry: I can fly!...really well.

Prof McGonagall: **Big trouble!**

Harry: Oh boy, I wonder if everyone caught that little reference to Prof M beating me with stick. 

Prof McGonagall: You shall be our new Seeker.

Harry: Alright. Funny this would be such a perfect Gary Stu thing. Just knowing how to fly because it runs in my blood and then get one of the most important spots on the Quidditch team, the one sport everyone in the wizarding world loves. I'm a jock people. 

Draco: (with a French accent) I challenge you to a duel. (pulls out white glo- wrong duel) Anyway this is another one of my insecurity stunts, you threaten me therefore I shall attempt to remove you. And bonus: the readers get to see, once again, what an asshole I am. Poet and didn't know it.

Harry: Bring it on! I'm the main character fool; there is no way you can get rid of me that easily. 

Ron: We don't know any real spells.

Harry: D'oh. Oh well, lets go anyway. Otherwise how will we ever advance the plot?

Hermione: There will be no advancing without me. Mostly because there has to be a girl somewhere in this story so they can't say it's sexist. It's my job to add prospective.

Neville: Better finish establishing how forgetful and hopeless I am by getting myself locked out because Merlin knows the readers couldn't have gotten it from the flying incident.

Filch: Sniff around my sweet (why are none of his coworkers asking any serious questions about this man's mental and sexual state. Mrs. Norris must have a really big role to play in another book.) 

Dream Team and Neville: Run! Look an ominous passageway with a locked door at the end, quick open it. Phew, that was close.

Neville: Three headed dog! Run away! Run away.

Hermione: *Weez* Now before we end the chapter I'm want to draw your attention to another plot point. The Three headed canine was guarding a trap door. Gee, I wonder what on Earth could be down there.

Ron: (Whispering in Harry's ear) Remember the brown bag Hagrid got on your Birthday and then the article.

Harry: (Glaring) Thanks Ron I would never have figured it out on my own.

Ron: Don't mention it mate.

Chapter Ten: Holloween

Harry: I got a package shaped exactly like a broom; I wonder what it could be.

Draco: It's a broomstick, I'm jealous. 

Oliver: I teach you Quidditch at which point the readers go to sleep. It's not much better in the movie either; the only thing going for it is the eye candy (my theory as to why Oliver Wood was played by the only good looking male in that movie.)

Hermione: We confirm I'm intelligent by having me do the levitation charm perfectly.

Ron: Moving right along. "No wonder she hasn't got any friends." (Ouch that hurt)

Hermione: Boo hoo

Quirrell: Troll in the dungeon (nuff said)

Harry: We have to rescue Hermione!

Ron: Why? Doesn't that sound kinda stupid? I mean we've had only a few weeks at most training in magic and the chances of us running into the troll seem pretty high to me considering we're the main characters.

Harry: Right there à "**_we're the main characters_"; nothing's going to happen to us.**

Ron: (Hits head) Of course.

(There's a big battle with a troll, the first years, against all odds, triumph. As we knew they would.)

Hermione: Now because I told a lie to get them out of trouble we're all friends and so the happy saga truly begins.

Prof Snape: By the way, while all this is happening please be sure to note that I'm looking suitably evil.

Chapter Eleven: Quidditch

Harry: Snape is limping and I want my book back. So I'll just go to the Staff room and…

Prof Snape: God damn dog!

Harry: Filch is caring for Snape's leg, oh my eyes.

Prof Snape: Get out!

Harry: *Gasp* He's the evil spawn of Satan, he let the troll in and he's after whatever's down that trap door. 

Ron: You're right Harry!

Hermione: I don't think so. It's a little too obvious. (Quickly) I mean I don't think he would steal something Dumbledore was trying to keep safe.

Oliver: I'm psychotic.

Jordan: I'm comic relief. 

(They play Quidditch for a while against the Slytherins. Do they ever play anyone else? Oh right there was that one time against Hufflepuff.)

Harry: This isn't nearly dramatic enough. Whoa, my broom is out of control.

Hermione: It's Snape.

Ron: Knew it.

Readers: Um…

Hagrid: Why don't I notice these things?

Hermione: Burning things is fun…

Snape: WTF?!?!

Harry: I'm having another Gary Stu moment where I catch the snitch even though I'm speeding toward the ground after almost getting thrown off my broom on my first ever Quidditch match.

Hagrid: It wasn't Snape.

Dream Team: Ok whatever.

Hagrid: Fluffy, Nicolas Flamel.

DT: Yay! More clues. Evil doers beware. Plus, let's face it, we need something to get the focus off Snape for a while or he's going to steal the story.


End file.
